I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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