From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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