I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
