Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
