if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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