He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
