video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
