I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
