I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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