so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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