I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
