am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
