Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
