Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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