ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
