There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I want to stick my p in your. b.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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