I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
