tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
