I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
