don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
soo... how was my night?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
