I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
