I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
