The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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