I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize