I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
