Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
