he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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