I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
