Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
