My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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