there's paper in my vomit.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Randomize
