I must be too annoying 4 u.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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