it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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