The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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