he puts the penis in happiness.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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