We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
