Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
