Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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