I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
What changed your mind?
Being sober
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize