GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
