so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
