Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
