dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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