yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I love how my cats smell like pot.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
