gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize