I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Randomize
