You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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