Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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