Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Randomize
