you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
