if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize