I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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