You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
