cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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